Tomorrow marks a painful anniversary in my life. It will have been a year to the day since my life was forever changed in a matter of a sentence. I am, thankfully, in a much different place today than I was in those first few minutes, days, weeks, even months after the words hit my ears and shattered my heart and my dreams. Even after all that I've walked through in the past year, I am still grieving the loss of what once was. The best way I can describe it is the feeling of grieving a death, and ultimately I guess that's what it is.
Anticipating whatever emotions may flood me tomorrow, I began planning out to the hour how Carter and I will spend the day. To those of you who know me well, it will come as no surprise that I literally got out the pad and paper to make a list of the times/activities for our day (don't worry, I'm not ocd...but I have my moments). Once the agenda had been carefully crafted, I set it aside and went to read a section of The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie.
Though she wouldn't know me from Eve, I've had the privilege of meeting Nancy at Word Christmas parties past when David and Scott were both employed there. Theirs is a story I could in no way do justice in a few short sentences, but one from which I have gained immeasurable encouragement in my faith in God's healing power. Nancy and David have lost two precious babies, Hope and Gabriel, to Zellweger Syndrome (children born with this live less than six months--there is no treatment, no cure). Despite their unfathomable loss, they have clung to faith and hope in Christ...and in doing so, have encouraged so many others...including me.
Tonight, I read the following words Nancy wrote, and they cut to the core of where I am today:
"Jesus calls us to abandon our own agendas, what we have deemed will please and fulfill us, so that we can embrace the kind and quality of life that only he gives. This is not about adding Jesus to the life we are living. This is about making Jesus our life. This is about putting our plans for our lives to death so that the abundant life he offers has room to take root and grow. And death is always painful."
God has called me to abandon my agenda...not for tomorrow :), but for what I had planned my life to be. Ultimately, He has called us all to set aside our own plans in order to fully follow the far greater plan He has if we are willing to do so..."If you cling to your life, you will lose it. But if you give it up for me, you will find it." ~Matthew 10:39.
(Pictures soon...I promise!)
